thumper

The Expandable Steel Baton – A Life Saving Device

I was walking on a deserted street while reminiscing of the day when the party invite arrived mysteriously under my front door. It came with no return address, ornately engraved in  deep maroon calligraphy, scripted from some unknown source on yellow, time warn paper. A weekend masquerade party catered at a country estate, perhaps like the one portrayed in  Eyes Wide Shut, a Stanley Kubrick film, exploring obsessive compulsive anonymous pagan ritualism with an Ingmar Bergman twist, and so much more. A time when Tom Cruise and Nicolle Kidman, still married, starred in this, the noted director’s last film before his death. They portrayed husband and wife, bored, tempted to stray, trapped by the world of normal married life urging for something out of the ordinary, flirting, “cruising”, and burdened with the desire for wanton abandon and the resulting guilt, covered only by a mask and a black cape with hood.

An absorbing romp through the world of Fellini imagery with vivid colors and a solitary piano note sounding in the distance over a low chanting chorus. Red rose petals descending  from the ceiling as if instantaneously appearing from a Salvador Dali landscape. The light, a shade of amber hue, setting the tone of raw unbridled emotion that the drabness of a fall sunset of autumn could never convey.

A chauffeured car, a secluded estate somewhere in Westport Conneticut, Romanesque architecture, marble floors, and lit candelabras; and of course the secret password to get in. A visceral mystery that speaks to the primal nature of the need to let go of all constraints to be free and explore the things that one would ordinarily consider taboo.

In order to get there would not be easy and require me to be armed with all the “accoutrement’s” to pass through the ornate metal doors with Gothic French gargoyles sculptured into the stone base around the frame. However, I needed to come prepared with something to protect myself if some strange creature lurking in the dark leaped out in a voracious attack.

How this sounded like an Edgar Allen Poe story, or a Nathaniel Hawthorne novel, I thought, of some strange atmospheric disturbance or spacial anomaly perhaps inspired by Star Trek, or my own imagination. Never the less, I came prepared with The Expandable Steel Baton and it too can be your secret weapon for self defense, if attacked. “A flick of your wrist and it will expand to 26 inches. A few well placed pokes to stave off any attacker and you can put him/her or it in a world of hurt “, a quote from its creator, P.S. Products. “Its diamond-pattern rubber handle gives you a good grip and collapses down to 9 1/2 in for storage. Includes nylon sheath with belt loop. Check state and local laws before purchasing. $24.99 Not for sale to minors.”

On the way to the mansion in the car, lets not forget the Thumper, a steal at $16.99, “A quick and easy way to check if the tires in your vehicle is sufficiently inflated”, especially when far from populated areas, without your still overpriced iphone (see image). Also featured is the Guardian Hand Wand, alerting you to “be ready to protect yourself and your property! This product is designed for public and private use including small business, private security, airports, nightclubs, schools, government applications and police departments. Features audio, vibration and LED target alerts. Choose from 2 alternate operating frequency in the event of environmental electromagnetic interference. 8 kHz operating frequencies. Momentary low toggle switch eliminates interference from large metal objects and minimizes the signal from small metal ‘things’. Comfort grip and wrist strap. Low battery indicator. Requires one 9 Volt battery (not included).”

My Perfecto Rating: How should I know? It’s Masked.

0- Electro Magnetic Interference? from what
B- Eyes Wide Shut was not my favorite Kubrick film
S- What does Star Trek have to do with this?
T- I wonder what statement a mask and black cape makes
Z- Perhaps a Caped Crusader