Who Fathered the late Contessa Llwaxanna Loveless Von Bralispth?

In his book “Notable Movers and Shakers of Midevil Times“, Viscount Erasmas-Haul Von Stubbenboorg makes what he claimed was a compelling case for who the Contessa’s father was. Although her mother identified him as “a traveling merchant who parked his horse and wagon ” outside a local tavern where she lived, Esmeralda Lucinda Goochie Von Bogg-Stuppor never identified him by name. It is likely that the Contessa never knew who he was.

Although Von Stubbenboorg never provides concrete evidence to support his claim that the Contessa’s father was in fact William Shakespeare, he does provide some circumstantial evidence. He says in his book: “Although the Bard’s date of birth is not known, his baptism on St. George Day, April 26th, 1564, is used as his date of birth by scholars.” His argument refers to the “the lost years” of Shakespeare that scholars generally acknowledge between 1585-1592, when Shakespeare fled London for some unknown reason. Stubbenboorg argues that Shakespeare went to mainland Europe, traveling far and wide, met Esmeralda Lucinda Goochie Von Bogg-Stuppor some time in early 1587, and fathered the Contessa who was born on October 31st of that year.

Some accounts by scholars do support the theory that Shakespeare was in the vicinity of Eastern Europe, near the Carpathian Mountains during this time. According to Von Stubbenboorg, this marks the first “credibility requirement” that the Contessa was Shakespeare’s illegitimate daughter. This would make the Bard 23 years old at the time of the Contessa’s birth. He died in 1616.

Romania map
The second condition, he argues, is that the midwife, Gussie Van Eldir-Gottenburg, who was with Esmeralda in the cave the night of the birth, was in fact Sister Mary Florence, the former Elizabeth Barrington who served as one of the hand maidens for Jane Seymour and Princess Elizabeth of England, prior to Elizabeth becoming Queen. His reasoning follows that there is evidence that James the First, the son of Mary Queen of Scots who succeeded Elizabeth upon her death in 1603, had a twin brother who was taken at birth to the Van Ich Ben-Gazoot’s family to be brought up by them. He “feels” the theory that Van Eldir-Gottenburg (very old by now) took the infant to Romania proves a connection between Elizabeth, Shakespeare’s patron, and the Contessa. I fail to see it. Again, he supplies no concrete evidence.

The main problem I had with all this was, how does anything he said substantiate the Contessa’s paternity? It’s understandable that Elizabeth as Queen would want to keep an eye on one of the successors to the throne of England. The only thing I found credible in his argument was that the Van Ich Ben-Gazoots knew Mary Queen of Scotts , and perhaps were distant relatives. That Mary would want to protect her second son sounds reasonable, although this still doesn’t support Von Stubbenboorg’s claim. All it raises are questions that perhaps the Bard could have fathered the Contessa. Not that he actually did. The only thing it proves is that the concept of “The Six Degrees Of Separation” has some credence. For example, it’s been documented that Jane (Seymour) Fonda, the actress, is in fact a descendant of Henry the Eight’s third wife, Jane Seymour, on her mother’s side. Does that mean that Jane Fonda is an heir to the throne? George W. Bush is also “blue blooded” and related to the British Royal Family. Can you imagine King George The Destroyer? First, he literally divides America using the Constitution as if it is his personal roll of toilet paper, then Great Britain as its King?

The only way, in my opinion, to substantiate Von Stubbenboorg’s claim that William Shakespeare was the father of Contessa Llwaxanna Loveless Von Bralispth is to do DNA sampling on her remains and those of the Bard or their descendants, in the same way the unknown remains found at the bottom of the well in Russia were proven to be Czar Nicholas, Czarina Alexandria and their children. Blood samples were taken from the British Royal Family who were related to the Russian Royal Family through Queen Victoria.

Von Stubbenboorg’s book, a reproduction and translated from Swedish, does not prove his case. It simply deepens the mystery: Who was the Contessa Llwaxanna Loveless Von Bralispth’s father? That traveling merchant who parked his horse and wagon at a tavern where Esmerelda Lucinda Goochie Von Bogg-Stuppor lived?