contessa

On the Late Contessa Llwaxanna Loveless Von Bralispth

The late Contessa Llwaxanna Loveless Von Bralispth, born in 1587 somewhere on the Carpathian Mountains in the principality of Moldavia, now part of Romania died at the ripe age of 108 on October 31st, 1695, her birthday. She was surrounded by her family and friends, the numerous books she authored and her pet cat Peanut (r. aluna), who is rumored to have been the longest living feline ever in recorded history (over fifty). She first found Peanut as a kitten while on an archaeological expedition in the aboriginal region of Northern Taiwan (people known as goan-chu-bin, “original inhabitants”) in a burlap bag slated to be thrown into what is now known as “The Taiwan Straight” by a peasant farmer “who loved cats”, but was superstitious because it was born with 3 eyes. The young Llwaxanna knew then that her calling was special.

She was the only child of Esmeralda Lucinda Goochie Von Bogg-Stupor and some unknown merchant who had parked his horse and wagon in a small tavern outside the unnamed village where she lived. Esmeralda had consulted a gypsy reader and learned that she was to give birth to a special child, who would discover ancient secrets that would change the world. Descended from the illustrious line of Van Ich Ben-Gazoot’s, >her relationship with the traveling merchant led to her banishment. She gave birth (breech) to her daughter Llwaxanna, (it is said) in a small cave off the beaten track, in the north-east range of the Carpathian mountains, on a stormy night, with lightning raging, just after midnight on October 31st.

contessaYoung Llwaxanna grew up uneventfully until she enrolled at Transylvania School for Former Education, studying the fine art of Cooking and Astronomy, where she met and fell in love with her future husband, Igor (pronounced eye-gor) Loveless Von Bralispth, who was to be the future Count Loveless Von Bralispth. Halfway through their courtship, they discovered they were 7th cousins on his father’s side, and 5th cousins on her mother’s side. Hence, this would be the first union between the Vann Ich Ben-Gazoot’s with the Loveless Von Bralispth’s. They were wed in a monastery frequented by both families known as “Manastirea Putna“, in the province of Bukovyna near the tomb of Stephen III, also known as Stephen the Great (c.1433-1504).

Llwaxanna was a good student, even after becoming the Countessa Loveless Von Bra-lispth. Her specialty was herbs, roots and wild berries in a souffle, known as Llwaxanna’s “berry ghoo0od berry von loveless souffle-porridge”, which she soon found had properties that enhanced sex in the obnoxiously deft. After experimenting on several animals and humans, she penned her most famous work: Love Potions For All Ages, A User’s Guide For Inducing Prolific Lust In the Obnoxious And Hopelessly Inept.

It drew heavily from the precedent setting Latin literary text of “T. Lvcreti Cari De Rervm Natvra Libri Sex , written by Titus Lucretius Carus. The book became a best seller, hand-written, and spread far and wide by carrier pigeon throughout Europe. Widely quoted and gifted as the most popular wedding present in the 1600’s, it became the main reason for the largest spike in population before the baby boom generation between the years of 1946-64.

More on the life and adventures of the late Contessa Llwaxanna Loveless Von Bralispth will be forth-coming in future revealing essays on her truly remarkable legacy, including her little-know expedition into a previously unknown area or Northern Siberia where she discovered the ancient culture of Bud-Hadnu (pronounced Bud-hadnu), an Amazon society of pygmy dwarfs who claim that shit-akie mushrooms as a sacred ingredient to extending life and whose diet is almost exclusively bula bula roots and whale blubber .

The Contessa’s expedition, reported in the widely received “Sexual Mores of the Bud-Hadnu Tribe“, was reported to be on The Medieval Top Ten Best Sellers List Of all time, in France prior to the French Revolution. It’s rumored that specially bred carrier pigeons carried the only surviving copy, which is kept under lock and key in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, taken there when the pigeon lost its way during the Hurricane of 1799.

The Contessa also chronicles her life and times in Budapest, Bucharest, St. Petersburg and Zaranj, narrowly missing capture by the Zula warriors of the then Afganistan, all chronicled in her Autobiography “The Contessa At Large – Tales Of Nobility On The Run.”