On The 2008 Presidential Nutcracker
As I was surfing the net, by sheer happenstance, I came across a truly “ball crunching” item: the Hillary Clinton Presidential (contender ) Nutcracker. An inventive concept. As a gift, perhaps for Xmas this year to one of the many lobbyists as they pound on the doors of the congressional offices yelling “Let me in, Let me in,” or “I will huff and puff and blow your house (of Reps) down by the hair of your chimney chin chin (from that old nursery rhyme), The Three Little Pigs, as one sits by the fireplace contemplating “roasting chestnuts” on an open fire, that old song by the late great Nat King Cole.
My choice for oink oink pig lobbyist to be gifted with the “Hillary Cracker” is the top heavy PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY LOBBYIST. Which one is yours?
The “Pork Barrel Politics” of adding partisan gooble-dee-gook spending to bills to slip them by for passage with important legislation is so appropriately represented by the “Three Little Pigs” that one wonders if a former member of congress in times past thought up that wonderfully appropriate fable, for some lost historical context. So too is the Hillary Nutcracker, as an innovative idea in this oncoming presidential horse (or should I say) pork race.
At first glance, from the waist up, it looks quite accurate. Her smile, the hair which I might add, unlike the Barbie Doll, doesn’t grow. Appropriately bodacious wearing the suit which also looks like a Kung-Fu jumpsuit. The proportions from the waist down however are more complementary than reality. Hillary is much wider at the hips, with much thicker thighs that should more adequately be represented in the “toy” cracker, that could be used on all sorts of “nuts” rather than just walnuts. There are many varieties of things that one could crack using it.
The other impression that struck me was how uni-functional it is. Hillary is much more of a multi-tasker. I would somehow redesign it to be a can opener (back of the head), and perhaps a battery operated flashlight, with a small compartment opening up on her back for one AAA battery. The light would be at the top of the head, at the junction of the legs, or perhaps at the mouth, so reminiscent of Uncle Fester who had a fancy for screwing a light-bulb in his mouth to light his way . How appropriate that would be for the hidden White House corridors made famous by her husband, Bill Clinton, in his Monica-gate years. Perhaps the bowels of Congress, deep beneath street level, where secret deals are made by congressmen/women, or senators. All legal of course, but never-the-less at the expense of the American population.
The uses are endless, and I’m sure Hillary would agree even for those who, at Thanksgiving dinner prefer breast meat over the thighs… Let’s hear an “AYE” for The 2008 Presidential Nutcracker. As the ministers of the British Parliament yell, “Here, Here”.